Genuine Horoscopes
The GenPox Pack Present:
Apocalyptic
Auguries &
Strange
Portents
The Pups Who Claim To See What Fate Decrees
Are Your Humors Out Of Alignment Because You Are Most Vexed By What The Future Portends, But You Have Lost Faith In Standard Astrologies & Other Augurical Arts In These Ominously Fluxual Times?
Well, Fuckin-A: Us Too! But don’t worry, friends, Koda and the rest of the GenPox Pack got us all hooked up, they “Aim To Please And Claim To See What Fate Decrees“. (These are Koda’s exact words btw. I was gonna post a video of it but he told me that no one ever believes a talking dog and he doesn’t wanna risk losing his credibility, so you’re just gonna have to take my word on it for now.)
Table of Contents
- ApocalypticAuguries &StrangePortents
- The Pups Who Claim To See What Fate Decrees
- UNDER MUNDANE CELESTIAL ALIGNMENTS
- Bad Moon Rising
UNDER MUNDANE CELESTIAL ALIGNMENTS
Apocalyptic auguries & Strange portents in accordance with celestial HAPPENINGS & OCCURANCES MOST MUNDANE
presented below for public viewing & edification are the apocalyptic auguries & strange portents made by the genPox pack. This batch here are for days when the planets & Stars are aligned to bring out the most average averageness the universe can muster.
Anyway, find the Sign You were Born Under and discover what fate hath decreed for thee with your genuine genPox pack horoscope:
Born Under An Auspicious Sign
A Flavorful Fate Indeed!
How Auspicious indeed! You must be in the fabled “flavor town” the pups have heard so much about – life ain’t so bad when it tastes like genPox! give life a good lick for us and don’t forget to sniff the messenger*!
*we at Generation Apocalypse Webzine have no idea what this means, but get the vague feeling that we should not in fact endorse it.
Born Under An Ominous Sign
The Space Dog Feasts!
NGL we have no idea what’s happening here – but we hope to heck you’re more of a dog person than an astronaut person, because it looks like it’s gonna be a bad day for space nerds!
Born Under A Most Auspicious Sign
Everything Zen!
Seriously, What are you worried about? you were born under a most auspicious sign so you know everything is gonna work out just fine for you! Relax and enjoy the ride! maybe share your luck a bit with some hapless fellow traveler down the road of life, most auspiciously of course.
Born Under A Foreboding Sign
Are You The “Buck-o”?
Life won’t stop kicking you in soft & sensitives and then telling you to buck up about it. it feels like you’re gonna be the buck-o forever – what gives, life? a little forehead kiss every once in a while too much to ask for?
Born Under A Perplexing Sign
This Is Great (???)
sure, you have no idea what’s happening around you – but that’s not gonna stop you from enjoying the ride! koda’s a big fan of blissful ignorance and says “only a fool cleans their own poop”*.
*statement not endorsed by Generation Apocalypse Webzine. In fact, we told him that it’s terrible advice, to which he responded that the only advice he’s taking right now is Mr. T’s. Kid’s got some real sass sometimes…
Born Under A Sign Most Mundane
#RONKED
some people say that if you feel that your life is boring it’s only because your soul is the manifestation of mediocrity and is warping the reality around you to become the most mediocre and boring version of what it could be. we think that might be a bit harsh – you’re soul is probably just tainted by mediocrity rather than being a manifestation of it. Anyway, rocky knows that sometimes the everydayness of life just wears at you and you need to melt your face into the floor about it for a few minutes. don’t feel bad, sometimes we all get a little #Ronked.
Bad Moon Rising
Apocalyptic auguries & Strange portents in accordance with inopportune celestial ascensions
The Pups hope you got your shit together, because there’s a Bad Moon On The Rise. They also said that humans are weird and if they just howled at the moon like you’re supposed to then it wouldn’t be so bad. Good point, Pups, but if Human Weirdness was a reason not to do something I can’t see anything ever getting done!
Alas! No need to worry – the Pups still want to share their Gift Of Sight Concerning Apocalyptic Auguries & Strange Portents with the humans that they feel need it most – you, dear readers. Especially when there is a Bad Moon on the Rise!
Anyway, find the Sign You were Born Under and discover what fate hath decreed for thee with your genuine genPox pack horoscope:
Born Under An Auspicious Sign
A Moon Is A Moon Is A Moon…
The Moon may be risin in a most inauspicious way but you are most tenacious in the face of adversity! you will take these ill-omened days in stride & what is more: your unwavering optimism & innate good vibes will aid others in your life to better withstand the vicissitudes of the pox.
Born Under An Ominous Sign
CTRL + F The Abyss!
the universe has made it clear that it don’t owe you shit & it’s time to return the favor! scream back at the abyss then make it your bitch*!
*Respectfully, of course – we are dogs. we mean to enter into a loving relationship with the abyss – learn its ways and make them your ways. born under an ominous sign? Pshaw! show the universe how ominous you can be!
Born Under A Most Auspicious Sign
Ill Portents Abound? Not Your Problem
Seriously, What are you worried about? you were born under a most auspicious sign so you know everything is gonna work out just fine for you! Relax and enjoy the ride! maybe share your luck a bit with some hapless fellow traveler down the road of life, most auspiciously of course.
Born Under A Foreboding Sign
Smooshed By Life…Again
When Life was handing out lemons to all your friends & neighbors it gave you naught but a yellow rock! your life is a tale of minor fiascos stuffed inside of major inconveniences – and a bad moon is just another moon to you. but remember – misery loves company, and minor misery loves to mildly inconvenience others to give you someone to commiserate with! so try standing under someone else’s umbrella for a spell and see if it don’t spring a leak & you can make a soggy friend! bad moon indeed!
Born Under A Perplexing Sign
Bad Moon? More Like Mad Boon, Heh Heh Heh…
sure, you have no idea what’s happening around you – but that’s not gonna stop you from enjoying the ride! let others worry about “problems” Like the end of the world – chicken little either get squashed or they don’t, no use frettin til it happens. until then, live it the fuck up!
Born Under A Sign Most Mundane
Ordinary Bad Luck In Unprecedented times
*Average* doesn’t need to mean *boring*, sure – but why does have to be *not boring* like this? but in your averageness lies your true power: you can choose to become the dexter of shit-hitting-the-fan splatter patterns or you can join a project or two underway by people who are trying to make “ordinary life” not suck – your fate is in your hands!
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