Genuine Horoscopes
The GenPox Pack Present:
Apocalyptic
Auguries &
Strange
Portents
The Pups Who Claim To See What Fate Decrees
Are Your Humors Out Of Alignment Because You Are Most Vexed By What The Future Portends, But You Have Lost Faith In Standard Astrologies & Other Augurical Arts In These Ominously Fluxual Times?
Well, Fuckin-A: Us Too! But don’t worry, friends, Koda and the rest of the GenPox Pack got us all hooked up, they “Aim To Please And Claim To See What Fate Decrees“. (These are Koda’s exact words btw. I was gonna post a video of it but he told me that no one ever believes a talking dog and he doesn’t wanna risk losing his credibility, so you’re just gonna have to take my word on it for now.)
GenPox Pack Genuine Horoscopes
What Apocalyptic Auguries & Strange Portents Does The Future Hold For Thee? Check Your Local Celestial Alignments With Regards To Various Retrogrades & Ascensions Then Harken Thee Well To The Pups That Aim To Please And Claim To See What Fate Decrees!
come back often as the genPox Pack delve deeper into the mysteries surrounding the twilight of humanity & the unraveling of the world! gird your spiritual loins and get ready to survive the stupidest apocalypse ever with the least absurd option available: GenPox Pack Genuine horoscopes!
Born under an auspicious sign
rejoice! for fate has smiled upon thee since the night – or mid-afternoon if your birth parents were into that sort of thing – of thine illustrious conception. Welcome, my lucky friend, and hear how fate plans on blessing thee next.
Born under an ominous sign
There is one lesson that fate must take great pleasure in watching you learn over and over again on the great hamster wheel of life: The World is big & you are small. for good or ill, you are a barnacle’s fronds awash in the sea of history trying to dodge jagged micro-plastics as you reach for victuals & sustenance.
Born under a Most auspicious sign
Your luck is the subject of many a local legend spread in as many taverns & public Houses as your varied acquaintances may frequent. you, my friend, were born under a most auspicious sign – we pups would say that you have grown plump suckling at the teat of destiny! you lucky bitch!
Born under a foreboding sign
people come to you with their problems to help them feel better about their own misfortunes & occasional engagements with luck’s malodorous twin. Yet fret not, my calamitously fated friend, the GenPox Pack has your scent!
Born under a perplexing sign
You have always been odd, weird, strange, or otherwise out of alignments with those around you. Don’t be vexed – there is nothing wrong with you. It’s just that you were born under a perplexing sign and nobody ever seems to take that into account! Until Now, that is!
Born under a Mundane sign
You are boring with a capital m for mediocre. it’s not your fault though, so fret not, my friend! It’s just that when they made you they used the most aggressively normal mould they could find – But that shouldn’t mean that you can’t yearn for more!
Just because there’s nothing particularly special about a day doesn’t mean nothing’s gonna happen on it – boring average each-day-running-into-the-next days are the starting points for many an adventure – perhaps there’s one in store for thee!
Bad moons are notorious for the troubled times they portend, but alas! you’ve become a bit of a troubled times connoisseur over the past few years and it sure seems like you’re in for a lot more practice sooner rather than later. Fear not, my friend, and let us guide you with our apocalyptic auguries concerning the bad moon that’s on the rise!
That’s Amoré, Bitches! Some say that dogs are nature’s perverts, but that’s just because we’re so gosh-darn filled to the brim with love*! Either way, come & hearken unto the sooth we’re sayin concerning everyone’s favorite topic: love.
*And If we’re being 100% honest, perversions, too – but in our defense humans are uptight aF.
whoever thought the end of the world would be so…so…so fucking much. just so damn much all the time – sometimes it just gets to be a bit too much and you gotta head to splitsville, baby! That’s when the stars are your destination, and we’re here to help you find your way to them.
UNDER MUNDANE CELESTIAL ALIGNMENTS
Apocalyptic auguries & Strange portents in accordance with celestial HAPPENINGS & OCCURANCES MOST MUNDANE
presented below for public viewing & edification are the apocalyptic auguries & strange portents made by the genPox pack. This batch here are for days when the planets & Stars are aligned to bring out the most average averageness the universe can muster.
Anyway, find the Sign You were Born Under and discover what fate hath decreed for thee with your genuine genPox pack horoscope:
UNDER MUNDANE CELESTIAL ALIGNMENTS:
Born Under An Auspicious Sign
A Flavorful Fate Indeed!
How Auspicious indeed! You must be in the fabled “flavor town” the pups have heard so much about – life ain’t so bad when it tastes like genPox! give life a good lick for us and don’t forget to sniff the messenger*!
*we at Generation Apocalypse Webzine have no idea what this means, but get the vague feeling that we should not in fact endorse it.
UNDER MUNDANE CELESTIAL ALIGNMENTS:
Born Under An Ominous Sign
The Space Dog Feasts!
NGL we have no idea what’s happening here – but we hope to heck you’re more of a dog person than an astronaut person, because it looks like it’s gonna be a bad day for space nerds!
UNDER MUNDANE CELESTIAL ALIGNMENTS:
Born Under A Most Auspicious Sign
Everything Zen!
Seriously, What are you worried about? you were born under a most auspicious sign so you know everything is gonna work out just fine for you! Relax and enjoy the ride! maybe share your luck a bit with some hapless fellow traveler down the road of life, most auspiciously of course.
UNDER MUNDANE CELESTIAL ALIGNMENTS:
Born Under A Foreboding Sign
Are You The “Buck-o”?
Life won’t stop kicking you in soft & sensitives and then telling you to buck up about it. it feels like you’re gonna be the buck-o forever – what gives, life? a little forehead kiss every once in a while too much to ask for?
UNDER MUNDANE CELESTIAL ALIGNMENTS:
Born Under A Perplexing Sign
This Is Great (???)
sure, you have no idea what’s happening around you – but that’s not gonna stop you from enjoying the ride! koda’s a big fan of blissful ignorance and says “only a fool cleans their own poop”*.
*statement not endorsed by Generation Apocalypse Webzine. In fact, we told him that it’s terrible advice, to which he responded that the only advice he’s taking right now is Mr. T’s. Kid’s got some real sass sometimes…
UNDER MUNDANE CELESTIAL ALIGNMENTS:
Born Under A Sign Most Mundane
#RONKED
some people say that if you feel that your life is boring it’s only because your soul is the manifestation of mediocrity and is warping the reality around you to become the most mediocre and boring version of what it could be. we think that might be a bit harsh – you’re soul is probably just tainted by mediocrity rather than being a manifestation of it. Anyway, rocky knows that sometimes the everydayness of life just wears at you and you need to melt your face into the floor about it for a few minutes. don’t feel bad, sometimes we all get a little #Ronked.
Bad Moon Rising
Apocalyptic auguries & Strange portents in accordance with inopportune celestial ascensions
The Pups hope you got your shit together, because there’s a Bad Moon On The Rise. They also said that humans are weird and if they just howled at the moon like you’re supposed to then it wouldn’t be so bad. Good point, Pups, but if Human Weirdness was a reason not to do something I can’t see anything ever getting done!
Alas! No need to worry – the Pups still want to share their Gift Of Sight Concerning Apocalyptic Auguries & Strange Portents with the humans that they feel need it most – you, dear readers. Especially when there is a Bad Moon on the Rise!
Anyway, find the Sign You were Born Under and discover what fate hath decreed for thee with your genuine genPox pack horoscope:
Bad Moon Rising:
Born Under An Auspicious Sign
A Moon Is A Moon Is A Moon…
The Moon may be risin in a most inauspicious way but you are most tenacious in the face of adversity! you will take these ill-omened days in stride & what is more: your unwavering optimism & innate good vibes will aid others in your life to better withstand the vicissitudes of the pox.
Bad Moon Rising:
Born Under An Ominous Sign
CTRL + F The Abyss!
the universe has made it clear that it don’t owe you shit & it’s time to return the favor! scream back at the abyss then make it your bitch*!
*Respectfully, of course – we are dogs. we mean to enter into a loving relationship with the abyss – learn its ways and make them your ways. born under an ominous sign? Pshaw! show the universe how ominous you can be!
Bad Moon Rising:
Born Under A Most Auspicious Sign
Ill Portents Abound? Not Your Problem
Seriously, What are you worried about? you were born under a most auspicious sign so you know everything is gonna work out just fine for you! Relax and enjoy the ride! maybe share your luck a bit with some hapless fellow traveler down the road of life, most auspiciously of course.
Bad Moon Rising:
Born Under A Foreboding Sign
Smooshed By Life…Again
When Life was handing out lemons to all your friends & neighbors it gave you naught but a yellow rock! your life is a tale of minor fiascos stuffed inside of major inconveniences – and a bad moon is just another moon to you. but remember – misery loves company, and minor misery loves to mildly inconvenience others to give you someone to commiserate with! so try standing under someone else’s umbrella for a spell and see if it don’t spring a leak & you can make a soggy friend! bad moon indeed!
Bad Moon Rising:
Born Under A Perplexing Sign
Bad Moon? More Like Mad Boon, Heh Heh Heh…
sure, you have no idea what’s happening around you – but that’s not gonna stop you from enjoying the ride! let others worry about “problems” Like the end of the world – chicken little either get squashed or they don’t, no use frettin til it happens. until then, live it the fuck up!
Bad Moon Rising:
Born Under A Sign Most Mundane
Ordinary Bad Luck In Unprecedented times
*Average* doesn’t need to mean *boring*, sure – but why does It have to be *not boring* like this? but in your averageness lies your true power: you can choose to become the dexter of shit-hitting-the-fan splatter patterns or you can join a project or two underway by people who are trying to make “ordinary life” not suck – your fate is in your hands!
When The Moon Hits Your Eye
Apocalyptic Auguries & Strange Portents in Accordance with Celestial Ascensions Most Conducive to Amorous Affinities
The Pups hope you’re in the mood for some delicious eye-pie, but don’t worry: That’s Amoré! The Pups still think the moon is best for howling at, but they’re also very intrigued by it turning into a Big Pizza Pie in order to hit your eye, which in their estimation is a very short distance to your mouth. And in case you were wondering: it is in fact pointless to try to explain metaphors to dogs – no matter what I say they still just want the Moon Pizza!
Alas! No need to worry – the Pups still want to share their Gift Of Sight Concerning Apocalyptic Auguries & Strange Portents with the humans that they feel need it most – you, dear readers. Especially when there are Pizza Moons in the sky and Love is in the Air!
Anyway, find the Sign You were Born Under and discover what fate hath decreed for thee with your genuine genPox pack horoscope:
When The Moon Hits Your Eye:
Born Under An Auspicious Sign
Do You Like The Sparkle?
is it the impending doom that’s making your skin tingle? maybe for everyone else, but not for you – the sparks of love light up the darkness and everything finally falls into place for you even while everything else falls apart around you.
so, do you like the sparkle? like it? the sparkle? you love it! life is about to enter action-adventure mode & you’re about to find the other romantic lead in your quest: no will-they-or-won’t-they‘s about it – this is your sparkle and you’re gonna make this bitch glow!
When The Moon Hits Your Eye:
Born Under An Ominous Sign
Sometimes You Just Need A Breather: So Catch A Breath & Then Watch It Get Taken Away
let’s be honest: living through the pox is exhausting aF. especially if you were born under an ominous sign. yeah, you’re used to being overwhelmed so you know how to deal with it – but that doesn’t mean you should have to all the time!
take a damn breather, kiddo, you deserve it! but what’s this? there’s always other people who need breathers from the constant storm of overwhelming Bullshit, too – people say misery loves company as a way to make you feel guilty for being sad, but what else is pack for if it’s not to share your biggest feelings? Humans are weird sometimes!
find someone to be overwhelmed with – a friend to share the end of the world with! and who knows? we’ve seen enough movies to recognize a setting for romance when we see one – and honey, this is yours so live it TF up!
When The Moon Hits Your Eye:
Born Under A Most Auspicious Sign
They Say That Love Is Only True In Fairy Tales…
So TF what that you happen to be living through a dark and twisted fairy tale over-brimming with both absurdity & woe! It’s still a fairy tale in our books and there’s no need to wait for an ever after that’s already been swallowed by the abyss – all we are are dogs in the wind after all!
Seriously, What are you worried about? you were born under a most auspicious sign so you know everything is gonna work out just fine for you! You’re in love and as luck would have it they love you, too – most auspicious indeed!
When The Moon Hits Your Eye:
Born Under A Foreboding Sign
The Moon Is Frozen Pizza & The Chunks Hurt When They Hit
Sometimes you wonder what hates you more: LIFE or LOVE? usually it seems like taking a sizable crap on you is something they enjoy doing together… Sure Love may be in the air tonight but it’s probably riding on a wave of carbon monoxide.
friend, it’s time to lean into your foreboding fate tbh: it can’t be that hard to sell amorous affairs with one festooned with a foreboding fate as a love forbidden by fate, and seriously the only kind of love more popular than forbidden love is a groovy kind of love, and maybe that just ain’t your thing anyway.
When The Moon Hits Your Eye:
Born Under A Perplexing Sign
Why Are You Like This?
You Have no idea why you’re like this, but you have no interest in changing– if life itself gets to be absurd then why can’t you? all human relationships are about as absurd as a giant pizza in the sky, so there ain’t nothing wrong getting a little wacky with it when it comes to love, too!
just because most people don’t take you seriously doesn’t mean that no one does. You’ll know you’ve met the right person when you say, “Sorry, it was just a joke…” when you think you’ve gone too far and the first thing they say back is, “so’s ya face!“
When The Moon Hits Your Eye:
Born Under A Sign Most Mundane
Stop Scolding The Mirror: You’re Already Lovable
Somewhere along the way You Got It in your head that you’re not special, or worthy of love…for reasons. Well, My friend, we’re here to tell you that all those reasons are wrong. stop apologizing for existing and stop looking for reasons why you wouldn’t want to be with someone like you.
accept who you are so that you can be who you are – that’s what loving yourself means, not being in love with who you are. that’s somebody else’s role entirely!
seriously, when mediocre hearts meet do you really want to listen to all the reasons why you’re wrong every time you give them a compliment? well, neither do they! Accept your droops so that somebody else can love them – that’s what life is all about!
the stars your destination
Apocalyptic Auguries & Strange Portents in Accordance with Celestial alignments that invite multitudes to abandon shitty situations with haste and finality
Sometimes the best way to fix a situation is to flee the situation and never look back. Some fucked up situations don’t deserve to be fixed, and some don’t deserve to be fixed by you. have you reached a point in which the Celestial Markers are all strongly encouraging you to say “Fuck it, I’m out!” to every fucked up thing you see.
As the pox unfolds there are bound to be a proliferation of such celestial occurrences & the Pups want to share their Gift Of Sight Concerning Apocalyptic Auguries & Strange Portents with the humans that they feel need it most – you, dear readers. fate hath decreed the best place to be is “elsewhere” & the apocalyptic auguries are pointing you to the stars, your destination!
Anyway, find the Sign You were Born Under and discover what fate hath decreed for thee with your genuine genPox pack horoscope:
The Stars Your Destination:
Born Under An Auspicious Sign
the odds of winning the game of “Before it’s too late” go down exponentially the longer you play
you’ve been preparing to choose your own adventure your whole life – books, video games, scrolling through streaming apps – and now all you gotta do is see what your options are. but options are like seeds – the longer you put off planting them the fewer you’ll be able to actually harvest.
seriously, the time to make a plan and follow through is “before it’s too late” – if that’s still true for you then start planning now so that you can get going yesterday. Life has blessed you with ample luck up until this point – luck is a gift that should always be welcomed but never relied upon. treat it accordingly.
The Stars Your Destination:
Born Under An Ominous Sign
sometimes the best plan is to get tf out, then deal with what to do next
how many apocalypse stories would’ve been made better if the hero staid home and never quested? How many of the heroes would have been better off personally? not too many to both – apocalypses don’t care if you’re ready for them or not. that’s kinda their thing really. so you might as well meet this one on your feet and ready to use them.
we know what you’re thinkin RN – you were born under an ominous sign: sorry pups, but you just ain’t hero material. that’s someone else’s story – yours is a constant dance between tragedy & farce. fair enough, friend, but didn’t you hear how the rivers of reality that flow through our timeline have been so thoroughly irony-poisoned that only undeserving heroes are believable anymore? become the undeserving hero that the world settles for before people start “ironically liking” real heroes again!
The Stars Your Destination:
Born Under A Most Auspicious Sign
Let The Hero’s Journey Commence
anyone can set out on a hero’s journey, but not everyone cares. that’s definitely not the case for you: everywhere you go you’re the center of the action, and most the time you probably don’t even notice it. But everyone else does, and when you’ve had enough of the pox and set out on your journey it will become a quest and others will flock to you and join in on whatever adventures You choose.
Seriously, What are you worried about? you were born under a most auspicious sign so you know everything is gonna work out just fine for you! if anyone was born to go on a hero’s journey, it’s you. now is the time of monsters and you’re about to enter the pantheon of legendary monster slayers. most auspicious indeed!
The Stars Your Destination:
Born Under A Foreboding Sign
too much non-stop foreboding – you’re willing to try anything else at this point
You’re finally ready to accept that things are not going to get less foreboding in the foreseeable future. the vibes have all turned to bodes and none of them are doing well. but if you’re at the center of a shit storm then every direction leads out – just pick a path and go with it.
honestly, if the only way “continuing as your going” doesn’t go horribly wrong is that some miraculous intervention happens then, honey, it’s time to be that intervention. sure, you don’t know where a new path will take you, and that’s scary especially in these uncertain times. but you have a pretty clear idea that if nothing changes your future is bleak – and from where we’re sitting “uncertain future” smells a hell of a lot better than “certain doom“.
The Stars Your Destination:
Born Under A Perplexing Sign
apocalyptic absurdity abounds & life has prepared you well
people have always thought you were weird – but while others make brief sojourns into the absurd side of life, you have never been able to find your way out of it. being at home in the absurd has made your social life suck at times, but now that reality has gone into permanent absurdity overdrive, people are starting to see you in a new light.
you have two important lessons to teach people who find living in absurd times overwhelming. first and foremost: never let the bastards see you flummoxed; and second and even foremoster: don’t be a dick to people you think are weird because when you finally recognize that their perspective is valid and useful the only advice they’ll feel like giving you is something like “never let the bastards see you flummoxed.”
The Stars Your Destination:
Born Under A Sign Most Mundane
the time is nigh to permanently doff your “Everything is Ok” mask
as far as your concerned, boats are made for sailin and not for rockin – which is some of the best possible advice for real boats and the worst possible advice for metaphorical boats. so, unless your continued existence requires you maintaining your balance in what realistically would have to be an incredibly small boat – start rockin.
face it: your basic life strategy of “do nothing and hope everything gets better” is a death (or worse) strategy for the apocalypse. we understand your concern that your core of mediocrity just isn’t up to the task of heroing through an apocalypse, but that brings us to the second thing you need to face:
some people were born to be the forgettable member of an actually interesting person’s entourage. That’s you. aim there, you’ve got what it takes to make it. we believe in you!
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